alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
