Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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