I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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