her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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