I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
