I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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