My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
