You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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