Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
