The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
