I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
