so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
