I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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