his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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