and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
