I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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