he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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