Me too!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
