my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
