I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
