If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
