i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
