I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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