he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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