I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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