every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
