now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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