If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
