I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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