I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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