Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
