Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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