Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
