omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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