The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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