I got chris browned last night
babies were throwing up all over the place
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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