never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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