just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
