wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
