WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
