Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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