I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
