weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
