We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
