I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
