this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
