The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Enjoy the penises
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
