My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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