He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
