If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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