Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
