just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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