I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
